It's the moments of victory that make parenting a teenager rewarding... and no, I don't mean that in an 'I told you so' way. It's seeing victory on your child's face. It's seeing something you have tried to teach or instill lead to a milestone for that child.
The process of 'teaching' a teenager a life skill can be tough... down right painful at times (I include the quotations because sometimes it seems less like teaching and more like banging them over the head with it), but the pay-off, if you are lucky enough to get one, is great. The Girl had such a pay-off today.
Never what I would call a highly motivated student, she has struggled academically over the years. She has the smarts, though often times she doesn't think so, but she hasn't had the study skills or the confidence.
Since she moved in with us a year and half ago, we've been working on developing study habits and a work ethic. We've had our moments, but today she brought home an 80% on the final exam in her toughest subject. She was glowing with pride (truth be told, so was I), even going so far as to seek me out at my morning playdate to tell me.
The change we've seen lately is heartening. It's not just one grade. We now hear her talk about the future and see her truly understand that all things are possible. She's even going far enough to talk about university... something she's never considered a possibility before.
Even now, as I watch my four-year-old in his swim class and watch the joy on his face as he learns to do things that terrified him 6 months ago, I am in awe. The process of growing up is hard. Whether it is opening oneself up to adult possibilities or overcoming the fear of ducking under the water, growing up takes courage. I honestly wonder if I'd ever be able to do it again (thank God we only have to do it once!).
So, I applaud the brave acts of my beautiful children and I treasure the small role I get to take in these big victories. Good job Girl, I'm proud of you!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
It's okay to run away...
Some days we all just need to step away.
I'm not just talking to the Mommies either. This applies to the Daddies and the Grandparents and the best friends and the daycare providers and the people without any kids at all. Sometimes we reach a point where all the breathing in the world isn't going to do any good.
Life is just sometimes overwhelming.
Whether it's the massive to-do list from home or work, the mounting expectations or just exhaustion, it is okay to take a break. I think sometimes it is hard to remember that or, at least, hard to let ourselves believe it.
We can feel guilty for needing a break. Maybe we look at what other people are going through and think we have it so much easier in comparison, or maybe it is the pressure we put on ourselves, either way its hard to admit doing it all is impossible.
We can't compare ourselves to other people and we can't push ourselves to the point where we are useless to the people we think we need to be there for.
It IS okay to run away for an afternoon, or to take a long bath without interruptions or to kick the family out of the house for a few hours. If we don't take care of ourselves, we can't live up to our own impossible expectations.
I'm not just talking to the Mommies either. This applies to the Daddies and the Grandparents and the best friends and the daycare providers and the people without any kids at all. Sometimes we reach a point where all the breathing in the world isn't going to do any good.
Life is just sometimes overwhelming.
Whether it's the massive to-do list from home or work, the mounting expectations or just exhaustion, it is okay to take a break. I think sometimes it is hard to remember that or, at least, hard to let ourselves believe it.
We can feel guilty for needing a break. Maybe we look at what other people are going through and think we have it so much easier in comparison, or maybe it is the pressure we put on ourselves, either way its hard to admit doing it all is impossible.
We can't compare ourselves to other people and we can't push ourselves to the point where we are useless to the people we think we need to be there for.
It IS okay to run away for an afternoon, or to take a long bath without interruptions or to kick the family out of the house for a few hours. If we don't take care of ourselves, we can't live up to our own impossible expectations.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
20 lbs Update: Personal Trainer
Okay so SOME of my resolutions are going well. I'm learning to breathe. In general I feel more grateful and more aware of the good things in my life. I've let some of the little things go. I have given myself permission to put the whole 'believe' thing on the back burner until I figure out how to approach that one. It's the last one I'm having trouble with. Those pesky 20 pounds seem to be stuck to my ass like glue.
That's about to change.
I now have a personal trainer.
He's short but he's determined.
The last three mornings I have woken up to the covers being pulled off and my two year old telling me 'yoga, Mommy... yoga, Mommy!' He even managed to convince me to do it one morning.
I thought guilt was the mother's prerogative. Here I am, waking up with a limited amount to time to get us all clean, fed and dressed before marshaling them all out the door for school/activities/playdates or whatever, being told I have to squeeze in exercise too.
That said, my little task-master does have a positive attitude (unless I tell him 'no yoga today' - then its a tantrum). While I'm doing the yoga poses he makes sure to tell me how well I'm doing. He walks around carrying the Wii controller parroting the on-screen trainer saying things like 'keep it up' or 'well done' - although, since he's familiar with the phrase 'all done' from dinner time (something he says before he's even started), it comes out more like 'well all done Mommy.'
Maybe my tiny dictator is having an impact. My goal was to get at least 20 minutes of physical activity at least 5 days a week and I have been managing at least 4, if not more, for the last 3 weeks. I'm even going to the gym once a week, and for the first time in my life, I'm loving it.
Now, if only I could get the calorie intake under control. Do you think I can train him to shut the fridge every time I try to open it?
That's about to change.
I now have a personal trainer.
He's short but he's determined.
The last three mornings I have woken up to the covers being pulled off and my two year old telling me 'yoga, Mommy... yoga, Mommy!' He even managed to convince me to do it one morning.
I thought guilt was the mother's prerogative. Here I am, waking up with a limited amount to time to get us all clean, fed and dressed before marshaling them all out the door for school/activities/playdates or whatever, being told I have to squeeze in exercise too.
That said, my little task-master does have a positive attitude (unless I tell him 'no yoga today' - then its a tantrum). While I'm doing the yoga poses he makes sure to tell me how well I'm doing. He walks around carrying the Wii controller parroting the on-screen trainer saying things like 'keep it up' or 'well done' - although, since he's familiar with the phrase 'all done' from dinner time (something he says before he's even started), it comes out more like 'well all done Mommy.'
Maybe my tiny dictator is having an impact. My goal was to get at least 20 minutes of physical activity at least 5 days a week and I have been managing at least 4, if not more, for the last 3 weeks. I'm even going to the gym once a week, and for the first time in my life, I'm loving it.
Now, if only I could get the calorie intake under control. Do you think I can train him to shut the fridge every time I try to open it?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Can I decide not to decide?
Part of my problem with motherhood, or at least what makes it so overwhelming, are the endless decisions to be made.
I, literally, make dozens upon dozens of choices in a day that have little or nothing to do with my job or myself. Whether it's the big decisions like where to send the kids to school or the endless daily decisions like who to call for a playdate or what to make for dinner, the reality is the mom is the decider-in-chief.
I lay no blame for this on The Husband... this is a responsibility foisted on my by motherhood, by society and, quite frankly, by my own expectations. The Husband takes part in the big decisions like french school or no french school and he pitches in when I ask but, overall, if there is a decision to be made, it is all on me... and it's exhausting. When I sit down to plan the menus for the week or try to come up with a rainy day activity, I find I end up with what I've been calling mother's block. It's like I've made so many decisions in the week already that I've run out.
Some days I think I'd like a vacation from the decisions. I'll make dinner... I just want someone else to tell me what to make. I'll chauffeur the kids to the after-school activity but somebody else decide if it will be basketball or Tai Kwan Do or swimming.
I can't help but watch my kids struggling against adult direction and wanting to make their own decisions and think that just may be the part about childhood I miss the most.
I, literally, make dozens upon dozens of choices in a day that have little or nothing to do with my job or myself. Whether it's the big decisions like where to send the kids to school or the endless daily decisions like who to call for a playdate or what to make for dinner, the reality is the mom is the decider-in-chief.
I lay no blame for this on The Husband... this is a responsibility foisted on my by motherhood, by society and, quite frankly, by my own expectations. The Husband takes part in the big decisions like french school or no french school and he pitches in when I ask but, overall, if there is a decision to be made, it is all on me... and it's exhausting. When I sit down to plan the menus for the week or try to come up with a rainy day activity, I find I end up with what I've been calling mother's block. It's like I've made so many decisions in the week already that I've run out.
Some days I think I'd like a vacation from the decisions. I'll make dinner... I just want someone else to tell me what to make. I'll chauffeur the kids to the after-school activity but somebody else decide if it will be basketball or Tai Kwan Do or swimming.
I can't help but watch my kids struggling against adult direction and wanting to make their own decisions and think that just may be the part about childhood I miss the most.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Breathe Update
I took a class. I learned how to breathe.
*dramatic pause for bad joke*
No really. As part of my new years resolutions I decided I better learn. It was a class about breathing... in fact it was breathing for beginners. Did you know that you are a beginner breather? I didn't. I mean I've been doing it for 34 years, I must have the hang of it by now right?
It turns out I'm a chest breather. According to my breathing teacher (it is still hard to write that without a small giggle) the average person breathes in half a litre of air in a breath... the average person's lung capacity is 20 litres.
I do have to say it was an interesting experience. It built on the yoga breathing I've already been doing (though I had to admit, rather shamefaced, that the yoga breathing I'd learned was from WiiFit and not from a qualified yoga teacher).
Today it came in handy. We had a small potential health crisis and my morning was spent managing things so I might be able to leave on short notice. I meant for a rather tense morning. I found myself breathing deeply all morning. Whether I was behind the steering wheel or trying not to end up on my ass walking across a slippery parking lot, I found myself unconsciously doing the exercise I'd learned the day before (lets hope The Girl or her friends didn't see me waving my arms like a crazy person trying to 'sink my chi' in the high school parking lot).
I made it through the other side of the crisis that wasn't and, while I feel a bit beat up mentally, I do feel calmer and more settled than I might otherwise have been. Breathing is good. I do feel like there is more to learn when it comes to this breathing thing... perhaps I need to try meditation or perhaps there's something else out there I haven't discovered yet (any suggestions?)... but I have to say it was a useful way to spend an afternoon (and it even finished early allowing my sister and I to hit Frenchy's on the way home without any guilt!).
*dramatic pause for bad joke*
No really. As part of my new years resolutions I decided I better learn. It was a class about breathing... in fact it was breathing for beginners. Did you know that you are a beginner breather? I didn't. I mean I've been doing it for 34 years, I must have the hang of it by now right?
It turns out I'm a chest breather. According to my breathing teacher (it is still hard to write that without a small giggle) the average person breathes in half a litre of air in a breath... the average person's lung capacity is 20 litres.
I do have to say it was an interesting experience. It built on the yoga breathing I've already been doing (though I had to admit, rather shamefaced, that the yoga breathing I'd learned was from WiiFit and not from a qualified yoga teacher).
Today it came in handy. We had a small potential health crisis and my morning was spent managing things so I might be able to leave on short notice. I meant for a rather tense morning. I found myself breathing deeply all morning. Whether I was behind the steering wheel or trying not to end up on my ass walking across a slippery parking lot, I found myself unconsciously doing the exercise I'd learned the day before (lets hope The Girl or her friends didn't see me waving my arms like a crazy person trying to 'sink my chi' in the high school parking lot).
I made it through the other side of the crisis that wasn't and, while I feel a bit beat up mentally, I do feel calmer and more settled than I might otherwise have been. Breathing is good. I do feel like there is more to learn when it comes to this breathing thing... perhaps I need to try meditation or perhaps there's something else out there I haven't discovered yet (any suggestions?)... but I have to say it was a useful way to spend an afternoon (and it even finished early allowing my sister and I to hit Frenchy's on the way home without any guilt!).
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Gratitude Meets Dark Mommy...
Well, it seems gratitude isn't the easy solution I'd like it to be.
I had trouble being grateful today.
It seems silly. I have a warm home and loving family and good friends. I have lots to be grateful for... why then did I draw a blank when the kids and I were doing our gratitudes.
It's been a rough couple of days. I can't tell you why... nothing is better or worse than usual... I'm just having a down couple of days. I hate what that does to my parenting. I feel like an ogre when I resort to yelling. Last night I yelled at my two year old... granted it was the ninth time he'd gotten out of bed and The Husband was working and The Girl was in trouble for not doing the studying she had promised to do... but it still felt a tremendous stab of guilt at the tears that immediately formed (though, I do need to remember Little Dude has a serious talent for summoning up great misery in a nanosecond). I feel dark mommy resurfacing.
I find myself staring at my list of resolutions trying to figure out which one will bring me out of this parenting funk... no easy answers leap to mind. For now I guess I'll just breathe... and try to find my way back to gratitude.
I had trouble being grateful today.
It seems silly. I have a warm home and loving family and good friends. I have lots to be grateful for... why then did I draw a blank when the kids and I were doing our gratitudes.
It's been a rough couple of days. I can't tell you why... nothing is better or worse than usual... I'm just having a down couple of days. I hate what that does to my parenting. I feel like an ogre when I resort to yelling. Last night I yelled at my two year old... granted it was the ninth time he'd gotten out of bed and The Husband was working and The Girl was in trouble for not doing the studying she had promised to do... but it still felt a tremendous stab of guilt at the tears that immediately formed (though, I do need to remember Little Dude has a serious talent for summoning up great misery in a nanosecond). I feel dark mommy resurfacing.
I find myself staring at my list of resolutions trying to figure out which one will bring me out of this parenting funk... no easy answers leap to mind. For now I guess I'll just breathe... and try to find my way back to gratitude.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Resolve Update: Gratitude
I am grateful for a moment at the end of the day to pause and remember why I love being a mother.
As part of my exploration of gratitude I have introduced a new bedtime ritual. At the end of each day, just before we turn out the light, the two boys and I do our 'gratitudes.' We pause for a moment and each talk about the things for which we are grateful. Most often we are thankful for things that have to do with cars: the race car bedspread or the hot wheels tracks or the favorite race car of the moment.
The gratitudes are quickly becoming one of my favorite parts of the day. Not only do I love hearing what the boys are going to come up with but its a chance for me to pause and reflect on what was good about the day... even when much of it hasn't been.
I've never been one much for prayer, particularly the kind where you are expected to get down on your knees, fold you hands and ask God for something that you have no business asking for... but this kind of simple expression of thanks seems to me far more spiritual than many religious practices I've experienced. Whether you include a version of God in your gratitudes is a matter of choice but simply taking time to reflect on the good in life has a powerful calming and uplifting effect.
Both kids have been very receptive to the new ritual but the Little Dude has been surprising me the most with his thoughtful approach to something I thought was going to be over his two-year-old head. On many occasions he just parrots whatever his brother has announced he's grateful for, especially when it has to do with four wheels, but more and more he's taking his time to really think about what's he's grateful for. Tonight when I asked him what he was grateful for, he thought for nearly a minute and then said 'mommy and daddy,' later he added he was thankful for his Nana and his Sunday School teacher, and Margaret (a colleague who has a gum ball machine in his office - even thought I won't let him eat gum yet, he loves getting 'a ball' each time he's in her office).
I have to say, while I have made no progress on the resolve to get rid of that pesky 20 pounds again, the gratitude resolution is leaving my calmer and happier.
I'm grateful for the chance to be grateful.
As part of my exploration of gratitude I have introduced a new bedtime ritual. At the end of each day, just before we turn out the light, the two boys and I do our 'gratitudes.' We pause for a moment and each talk about the things for which we are grateful. Most often we are thankful for things that have to do with cars: the race car bedspread or the hot wheels tracks or the favorite race car of the moment.
The gratitudes are quickly becoming one of my favorite parts of the day. Not only do I love hearing what the boys are going to come up with but its a chance for me to pause and reflect on what was good about the day... even when much of it hasn't been.
I've never been one much for prayer, particularly the kind where you are expected to get down on your knees, fold you hands and ask God for something that you have no business asking for... but this kind of simple expression of thanks seems to me far more spiritual than many religious practices I've experienced. Whether you include a version of God in your gratitudes is a matter of choice but simply taking time to reflect on the good in life has a powerful calming and uplifting effect.
Both kids have been very receptive to the new ritual but the Little Dude has been surprising me the most with his thoughtful approach to something I thought was going to be over his two-year-old head. On many occasions he just parrots whatever his brother has announced he's grateful for, especially when it has to do with four wheels, but more and more he's taking his time to really think about what's he's grateful for. Tonight when I asked him what he was grateful for, he thought for nearly a minute and then said 'mommy and daddy,' later he added he was thankful for his Nana and his Sunday School teacher, and Margaret (a colleague who has a gum ball machine in his office - even thought I won't let him eat gum yet, he loves getting 'a ball' each time he's in her office).
I have to say, while I have made no progress on the resolve to get rid of that pesky 20 pounds again, the gratitude resolution is leaving my calmer and happier.
I'm grateful for the chance to be grateful.
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